A local resident claims to have taken a photograph
this past Saturday of what some believe is a
prehistoric creature that lives in Lake Ronkonkoma.
In the early morning on April 1st, Ronkonkoma
resident Ophelia Pane was on the shore of the lake
when she managed to capture an image of what
appears to be a head and neck emerging from the
water. "I was doing my laundry here on the beach,
like I do every week, and I had just discovered
that my son left his camera-phone in his jeans
pocket again, and when I looked up there he was"
she stated, "so I used the phone to take the
picture."
But just as suddenly as it appeared, it vanished
beneath the water, "I must have hit the wrong
button on the phone because it started playing that
really annoying song by "Green Day" and I think
that scared him away."
This isn't the first time Mrs. Pane has seen the lakeside leviathan, "I've seen Ronky lots of times. He's very friendly, like that sea monster on that old puppet show, 'Beanie and Cecil." Nor has Mrs. Pane been the only one to claim to have spotted the creature, which locals have named "Ronky." According to local historian Eunice Aneasi, there are recorded sightings of a lake creature going back over 300 years to when Native Americans occupied the hills and forests around the lake. Even the name of lake may be related to the creature. "I believe that the word 'Ronkonkoma' is an American Indian distortion of the English phrase, ‘run, a monster is coming.’" "The local tribes learned to live in peace with Ronky, but the English were scared silly of him," added Ms. Aneasi.
Dr. Largo Pesce, a marine biologist at Story Book University, has studied the legend of the lake creature and not only believes that the monster is real, but also that the taxpayers are paying the bill to feed it. "I've studied all the evidence, including photos like Mrs. Pane's, and have concluded that not only is the creature real but it's undoubtedly a giant prehistoric, fish-eating amphibian," stated Dr. Pesce, who is also the founder of the watchdog group Indignant Taxpayers of Sachem Against Gigantic Amphibious Gargoyles. "I've had my team of scientists and auditors at I.T.S.A.G.A.G. investigate and discovered that the taxpayers are paying for the creature's food supply," he added. "Every year New York State restocks the lake with bass and perch using our tax dollars, only to have the monster eat it all. Where else could all those fish have gone, because I've never seen anyone catch a fish in that lake, have you?"
Not everyone believes the creature exists. Long-time resident Yuri Kidder has lived near the lake his entire life and thinks it's just a legend. "I've never seen it, so I know it doesn't exist. Just like Cleveland," said Mr. Kidder, who has never been to Ohio. He added that he would believe there's a creature in the lake "when there's a Democrat in the Town Supervisor's office."
But critics like Mr. Kidder can't dissuade believers like Mrs. Pane. "No one can explain why the water level in the lake keeps going up and down," says Mrs. Pane, but she has a theory, "it's Ronky swimming around, because, you know, he's so huge and Lake Ronkonkoma is just like a big bathtub to him."
Editor's Note: Everything in this article is an April Fools joke, except for the name of the lake and the photograph.
This isn't the first time Mrs. Pane has seen the lakeside leviathan, "I've seen Ronky lots of times. He's very friendly, like that sea monster on that old puppet show, 'Beanie and Cecil." Nor has Mrs. Pane been the only one to claim to have spotted the creature, which locals have named "Ronky." According to local historian Eunice Aneasi, there are recorded sightings of a lake creature going back over 300 years to when Native Americans occupied the hills and forests around the lake. Even the name of lake may be related to the creature. "I believe that the word 'Ronkonkoma' is an American Indian distortion of the English phrase, ‘run, a monster is coming.’" "The local tribes learned to live in peace with Ronky, but the English were scared silly of him," added Ms. Aneasi.
Dr. Largo Pesce, a marine biologist at Story Book University, has studied the legend of the lake creature and not only believes that the monster is real, but also that the taxpayers are paying the bill to feed it. "I've studied all the evidence, including photos like Mrs. Pane's, and have concluded that not only is the creature real but it's undoubtedly a giant prehistoric, fish-eating amphibian," stated Dr. Pesce, who is also the founder of the watchdog group Indignant Taxpayers of Sachem Against Gigantic Amphibious Gargoyles. "I've had my team of scientists and auditors at I.T.S.A.G.A.G. investigate and discovered that the taxpayers are paying for the creature's food supply," he added. "Every year New York State restocks the lake with bass and perch using our tax dollars, only to have the monster eat it all. Where else could all those fish have gone, because I've never seen anyone catch a fish in that lake, have you?"
Not everyone believes the creature exists. Long-time resident Yuri Kidder has lived near the lake his entire life and thinks it's just a legend. "I've never seen it, so I know it doesn't exist. Just like Cleveland," said Mr. Kidder, who has never been to Ohio. He added that he would believe there's a creature in the lake "when there's a Democrat in the Town Supervisor's office."
But critics like Mr. Kidder can't dissuade believers like Mrs. Pane. "No one can explain why the water level in the lake keeps going up and down," says Mrs. Pane, but she has a theory, "it's Ronky swimming around, because, you know, he's so huge and Lake Ronkonkoma is just like a big bathtub to him."
Editor's Note: Everything in this article is an April Fools joke, except for the name of the lake and the photograph.
